Dear CNN, please get rid of Rand, Chris, Carly, Mike, and Marco



Dear CNN,

First, I want to let you know I am one of your biggest fans. You produce quality programming, which explains why you are #1 in viewership not just in airports, but also dentist offices, county jails, and mental hospitals across Amercia. I think the concept of having Anderson Cooper for three hours (one of them a repeat) from 8 pm to midnight every weekday night is brilliant, he's like a human Yule Log that you can keep watching and watching and watching. Anderson is like human Ambien, he helps millions of people fall asleep every night. Compared to him, even Jeb Bush is an amphetamine.

But down to business. There are too many candidates for Wednesday night's debate. Each one will only get a few minutes of questioning. That's why I think you need to thin the herd. Rand, Chris, Mike, and Marco have to go. They have no chance any way. You should seat them at the kindergarden table where you will serve the McDonald's Happy Meals and little juice cups to Rick, Jim, George, Bobby and the rest.

And Carly has to go too. I know she's a woman, and that's why you made 11 out of 10, but she has no chance either. If you feel the need for a womanly presence, thinking about getting one of the many Fox morning show super-blonde ladies with the long legs as a co-moderator. And then have her ask all the Donald Trump questions. You'll get sky high ratings.

If Rand, Chris, Mike, Marco or Carly object, you can try to pull a fast one on them. Tell them the stage is too small for all the candidates and they will be simulcast jointly from a second stage. Then get some stooges from #Blacklivesmatters, CAIR, and Planned Parenthood to pretend to be moderators and ask them questions. They'll never know the difference.

But please be sure to keep Scott in the real debate. He has no chance of winning, but with Rick Perry gone, we need some comic relief. When Scott rides into the auditorium on his motorcycle and announces, in his deep voice, "I'm here to terminate Wisconsin public sector unions", it's ratings gold. And then even more so, when he's asked a simple question, like about birthright citizenship, and he turns into Elmer Fudd and says, "Which way should I go, which way should I go?"

I'd love to write more, but my dentist is ready for me now.

Sincerely,

Your loyal waiting room viewer,

Ed

PS And please don't be discouraged by low ratings. I know you could probably get higher ratings than Anderson by broadcasting the Bulgarian language version of the Poseidon Adventure in reverse order, from ending to beginning, but CNN is about quality, not viewership. Always remember that.



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