Trump wants terrorists waterboarded, outraging water conservationists


Surf's up! Donald Trump wants to bring back waterboarding of terrorists.

Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said Sunday he would allow U.S. interrogators to waterboard suspected terrorists in the wake of the recent attacks in Paris.

“I would bring it back, yes,” Trump said on ABC’s “This Week.”

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“I would bring it back,” Trump said. “I think waterboarding is peanuts compared to what they’d do to us, what they’re doing to us, what they did to James Foley when they chopped off his head. That’s a whole different level, and I would absolutely bring back interrogation and strong interrogation.”

I'm ok with that, if we need information from a suspect we are pretty sure is connected to an imminent terrorist attack, but what really troubles me is the water usage. In case Mr. Trump didn't notice, the western part of our country is experiencing a serious water shortage. It is highly environmentally insensitive of him to suggest a new national security program that will use water without suggesting ways to offset the increased water usage.

Because I believe in national security and responsible stewardship of the environment, I offer the following suggestions on how a waterboarding program can be informative, punative, and good for the environment, all at the same time:

o Rain water barrels. Our rendition facilities, whever they are, should have rain water barrels on their roofs to capture rain water to use for waterboarding. If the facilities are underground, like subbasements or urban dungeons, they can tap into local gutters to collect the same.

o Use low flow waterboarding tubs. Reading the wikileaks transcript, I was horrified to find that most CIA waterboarding tubs use standard faucets that spray out water indiscriminately. Waterboarding tubs should use low-flow faucets that release water in a careful and measured way. Even if it is slower, watching the water level rise may give suspects food for thought.

o Put rocks in waterboarding tubs. Putting rocks in waterboarding tubs reduce the amount of water needed to waterboard a terrorist. And if the rocks are sharp, they may give the suspect something additional to consider.

o Use lower water levels but greater tilt. Why must we waterboard terrorists with a full tub of water? This is truly unamerican! They should only fill the tub halfway, at most, and simply tilt the terrorist's head back more.

o Consider sponge bath waterboarding. In this time of scarcity, what are we doing giving these terrorists a full tub of water? We should be sponge bathing them. Put a sponge over their noses and mouths and pour water over it. Imagine how many terrorist attacks you could learn about with only one bottle of water!

o Shave suspect's body hair and require showercap. Water clings to body hair. Terrorists should be required to wear a shower cap and have their body hair removed from their chest, arms, legs, and testicles, so when they are removed from the tub less water will cling to their body.

o Use treated water from sewage treatment plants. In many parts of the United States, people drink treated toilet water. The water still has bits and pieces of excrement and urine in it, but it has been treated with UV rays so that all the bacteria has been killed. If drinking sewage water is good enough for Americans, it is certainly good enough from terrorists. There should be a discrete pipe from sewage treatment plant to rendition facilities, or else CIA operatives should set up their own filtration systems in their own toilets.

o Use Sand. Why use water at all, when a person can be sandboarded? Simply dunk their head in a box of sand. That's so much better for the environment.

What do you think is the most environmentally responsible "sustainable" way of interrogating terrorists?



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