The most spectacular political deaths of 2015



The following are a list of the most spectacular deaths of political careers of 2015:

Jeb Bush (1953-2015): It is true before he ran for President he was thought of as a "lesser Bush", never having been president like brother and father. However, he had been a successful two term governor of Florida and so was respected for that. Now, at 4% or so in national polls, he's a laughing stock, a man who looks like a a hostage reading a forced statement on TV every time he says things like "anchor babies" or "Donald Trump is a jerk". People think he's low energy and a loser. Now, at the very least, they're half right.

John Kasich (1952-2015): John Kasich was a long time Republican in the House of Representatives and chairman of the important Budget Committee. He is a two term governor of Ohio and even had his own (very, very boring) Fox show for a while called "From the Heartland". But now he's run for President and he is practically at zero in the national polls. John Kasich actually died politically in 2014 but his animated political corpse continued to live on for a while. It was in 2014 that he accepted Obamacare, expanding Medicaid and putting the voters of Ohio on the hook for tremendous costs, conveniently after Kasich leaves office. It was liberal positions like this that sunk his candidacy... in addition to general dullness of character.

Lindsey Graham (1955-2015): Lindsey Graham was a senator highly respected in theBbeltway and on Sunday talkshows and of course by his close male companion John McCain. But when he ran for President he was at zero percent in the polls; even worse, in his home state of South Carolina, he is at 2% in the polls. He withdrew before a single vote was cast. His presidential timber turns out to have been made of pressed wood.

George Pataki (1945-2015): Did you know that Pataki was not just a two term but three term governor? Of New York? That's quite an accomplishment for any Republican! But 101 visits to New Hampshire later, he was still zero percent in the polls. He never even made it to the main debate stage. Do you think he could have figured it out after visit number 71?

Jim Gilmore (1949-2015): Do you realize that Jim Gilmore has been running for President for months, and people still don't know what he looks like? That's because, like crackpots running for President who have zero backing and zero supporters, he was even excluded from the kiddie debate table. This guy was the former governor of Virginia, and now he's the national poster boy for Where's Waldo.

Scott Walker (1967-2015): The two term governor of Wisconsin was widely thought to have the inside lock on the nomination. Then he gave one answer to a question about amnesty for illegal aliens. Then a second answer. Then a third one. He quickly became a parody of himself, doing well riding around on motorcycles, but looking like he was going to melt when asked basic questions. It may not be fair to say this, but his lazy eye also makes him look dishonest, especially when he talks about illegal immigration.

Rick Perry (1950-2015): This guy was governor of Texas for 14 years! That's the longest serving governor in Texas history! When he ran for President in 2012 and he stumbled, people thought he stumbled. When he ran again in 2015 and couldn't string a few sentences together, we realized it wasn't an accident.

Mike Pence (1959-2015): This former House member and governor of Indiana was thought to have presidential ambitions, like he was a mini-Scott Walker. He never had the courage to actually run, though, which may have been a good idea given he has a deficit in the courage department. When his legislature passed a bill that would have prevented bakers and wedding planners from being forced to participate in gay weddings, there was an outcry, and forty seconds later Mike Pence buckled and pushed the legislature to unpass it. Come to think of it, maybe he really is a mini-Scott Walker. Without the motorcycle, though.

Rand Paul (1963-2015): Rand Paul was supposed to be a more popularized version of his father, Ron, who would inherit Dad's libertarian base and expand it with new mainstream friends like Mitch McConnell. At about two percent in the polls, things not working out that way. What killed him politically was (1) pretending to be something he's not and (2) being libertarian on foreign policy in a year of ISIS. You can't simply smoke radical Islam.

Mike Huckabee (1955-2015): Former three term governor of Arkansas. Won Iowa eight years ago, trying to relive his past glories. At one or two percent in national polls, trying hard to convince people that Ted Cruz is not a social conservative. I think this is plan "B" since plan "A", convincing people to vote for him, hasn't worked.

Rick Santorum (1958-2015): I always cringe when I hear him on the Mark Levin show, as if Mark, feeling sympathy for a poor down on his luck homeless man, invites him to live in his home for a while. He won Iowa in 2012 by such a small margin that it took days for people to find out about it. At zero percent in the polls, he's lost whatever little respect he once had.

John Boehner (1949-2015?): I put a question mark here because while he was technically voted out of the speakership, I'm not sure he left. He may have just grown a beard.

Paul Ryan (1970-2015): Now that he has become speaker, taken the exact same accomodationist policies as John Boehner, and on his way to growing the exact same beard as Hizbullah leader Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah, there is talk of a primary challenge next year and a serious possibility he may get Cantored.

House Freedom Caucus (2015): They never made any serious effort to stop Paul Ryan (which they could have), and having been betrayed, they now say "But he'll do better next year!", just like Boehner used to say.

Martin O'Malley (1963-2015): This former governor of Maryland, widely respected (by liberals) is like at one percent in the polls. He can't even beat a septuagenarian. His strategy seemed to consist of (1) taking political positions to the left of Stalin (2) pretending he never was mayor of Baltimore and (3) posting as many topless and exercising photos of himself online as possible. Now he's just a joke.

Angela Merkel (1954-2015): Chancellor of Germany for over 10 years! That's a very long time. Now is flooding Germany with millions of middle eastern Muslims, which is about as popular as a Hitler appearance in the Knesset. Maybe time to reevaluate those reelection plans....

(Abridged version originally published in AT)



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