Whole Foods plans to offer tattoos to its customers


Whole Foods, facing declining growth, has a plan to make a comeback. It involves creating new stores with less selection than its regular stores but in a new twist, in addition to selling overpriced bananas, pears, and apples, also selling tattoos, because that's what every supermarket needs, right?

If you've ever stopped by a grocery store to pick up some milk and thought, "if only I could get tattooed at the same time," don't worry: Whole Foods (WFM) may soon have you covered. Whole Foods is considering adding tattoo parlors to its new 365 chain, which is targeting millennial shoppers and the budget conscious by offering smaller stores with lower prices.

Adding tattoo parlors may only be the tip of the youth-focused iceberg, with Walter Robb, the grocer's co-chief executive officer, telling Bloomberg TV that the locations will include suppliers and vendors geared toward millennial interests. Aside from tattoos, the vendors may include record shops and body-care product lines, he said.

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Oh, oh, "Millennial" alert. "Millennial" is a liberal code word for young adults. They are called "Millennials" because they have been deemed to be properly brainwashed about homosexual marriage, abortion, and illegal aliens, even if it's not true. But by claiming that young people are "progressive", it isolates those who aren't.

And progressive young people don't just want apples and pears. They want to mutilate themselves, to turn their skins into comic books. For some reason, they also want records (do they sell hand crank phonographs to go with that?) and "body care products". What's a body care product? I think it's smelly soap. "Millennials" like to smell like a chemical factory, at least according to Whole Foods.

Reaching budget-conscious consumers continues to be a challenge for Whole Foods, which has earned the nickname "whole paycheck" because of its beefy prices. Co-CEO John Mackey has vowed to increase discounts, but a January survey from BMO Capital Markets found that seven out of 10 Whole Foods shoppers hadn't noticed a change in pricing during the past three months.

...perhaps because there hasn't been any price changes?

I don't think illustrating their customers with permanent ink is going to help Whole Foods bottom line. Nor is charging $5 for a banana. How about lower prices?



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